It basically means that there's nothing else to hold onto. Addiction fills holes where other things should be. I feel like I could write a paper on addiction right now. When there's no reason to be proud or interested, addiction gives you something that's happening. Then before you know it, it's too late, and pride and interest's places are already filled.

Now is a perfec ttime tfor this. I love free-writing. It's so freeing. Man, this song is amazing. Into the Ocean, End it All. ::) Makes me very happy. I can definitely identify with this album. It's sad, but powerful. Sigh: ) I'm such an open book. I'm really very common. I'm so human, so simple. I can understand myself easily. It's n t like i was before. I'm so simple now. I don't talk about ideas, excpt in moments of ecstacy. It's time for me to rise! Music brings e to birth, where I can sart fresh again, so beautiful is the new. What if we could? This is the key, the WE WE. "WE" "WE!" Efery thing nvolves someone else. That is why I need others? I don't think so. I think that I use others. I think i use the to refect who I think I am, like I am trying to spread the word about my awesome. It's a damn shae.But I AM selfish. Nothing, new, because who isn't, but movies show ideals, and I would love to Hit that. Can I justify myself? No. That is why I need others. Hate me is one of the most powerful phrases that I can utter.

I'm gonna rant like no one's listening. To Lydia, or whomever else: This will not be of interest to you, and it will not concern you any further than it would concern any of my friends. Feel free to remove this, and all further rantings from your friends list. I will not be spell-checking, re-reading, or editing it at all. It's a free-write.

I'm not sure that I've even woken up. I'm not sure what waking up will feel like today. I got a lot of sleep, so it should feel great. Didn't sleep well, though. ightmares. Oh well. Maybe I just need to eat. Sometimes that helps. I am So pissed at people I don't like them, and they are starting to interfere with my life. I recognize how I sound. How am I to fix this? Well, My first step will be to ...fuck it. I can't help but look at what a long road everything eis. I'mm so tired of slow degeneration. Why doesn't slow change immprove things? Only surprises ever make things better. I can't seem to do it with planning. Then, half of the time, surprises make things worse. But the bad surprises are still al part of the slow deeneration. It totally consumes my mind. I've become obsessed with this principle of personal entropy. I'm not even that fixated on the past anymore. It used to be that I looked back to glory days. Now I just shudder at the future. Friday nightss are the worst. Half of my friends work, and teh other half party. Working in the morning on Saturday is a healthy thing for me, but it takes a strength that I just barely muster. Every week. This onday is game day. Boss fight. Story break. Big game. I should say thtat I can't wait, but what I really can't wait for is the change, to get to a new something. All of my rants become game rants and turn into planning rants. I wonder where I should go on a Friday night to enjoy myself by myself. I've been on Civ for the last 2 days, and I don't want to anymore. I don't want to watch anime or movies. I don't want to party. I want someone SMART! All of my friends are moronic, and the rest are saasdfa as self absorbed as I am, depressed, and distant. I want MUSIC that tears itself apart - takes the lot of you with it. Well, at least I can have music.

Paragraph 2, sitting up, looking at the Vampire book, and Scroll of the monk. The art is beautiful. I love the far East. It's time to use that for the game. I hope that my team can handle it. I feel cocmfort when I think about that game. It's got potential, when so few things do. So, new apartment on Monday. It'll be great to get away from these Christians. In the meantime, I need to find something social tonight. I just got up, and I have 6 hours before work. It would be a good night to go out to a movie, but nothing's playing. It would be a good night for a late night fry run, or a chargen session, or some catching up, or something. I'm usually much more ok with being by myself that I am on Fridays. It's something in the air. Well, fuck. My head hurts. This entry was to organized, and spelled too well. The next will be longer. I also didn't time this one very well. I think it was good, though. I got an Angry Inch! I think I just thought of something else. I haven't been thinking, dwelling on anything lately. That's why I have nothing to write about - of course there is degeneration, but nothing that isn't 100 percent inevitable, or even interesting. I need meaning -= personal meaning. That means not living vicariously through others - at least other people. Maybe I just need my game to be more dramatic - less drunken and comedic - less arbitrary. Maybe I need aother game - a character! That's what I can do tonght. I can make up a character. For something that I could conceivably play. I wonder what time Bob will be home. It's time to try to release myself into character. I certainly could do that.

I've only got about 1 minute to make my first blog post. There. It's done. That wasn't so bad.